Tales of Seasons to Come...

Sit down, my child! So, you wish for the future to be told, do ye? Ah, such luxuries come at a pretty penny for the comman man, but you... you seem different. I feel your presence is a strong one. Take a seat and prepare to go on a journey into the future. What is it that you wish to know about? What is that you say? The "MLS"? By Jupiter, are ye a dealer in black magic?!? What is this you speak of? Ah... you wish to know about sport.... 'tis managable. Now please be silent, my curious customer... I am about to go into the trance. I will now summon the spirit guides forward! RUNE TRAKKAH ZIMHOLLA, AMIT NESOOTH.... sorry, just clearing my throat. Ah! look here, young traveler... the crystal brings forth images. Now, concentrate and ask your questions carefully. What about this MLS do you want to know? With the help of the spirit guides, I will answer all......

 

Digital Takawira
Kansas City		1999: Learns to play the guitar and opens up for Tracy Chapman.

Mike Burns
New England		1999: Snaps a photo of Steve Sampson in a compromising position.

2030: Retires from national team at the age of 60.

Brian McBride
Columbus		2001, September 7: To the dismay of all the teenage girls that go to Crew games, comes out of the closet.

2001, September 8: Traded to the new San Francisco MLS franchise, the 69'ers.

Bruce Arena
Washington D.C.		2000: Elected president of NAMBLA.

2002: Arrested for concealing his privates in a Butterfinger wrapper and sticking it through the fence at a local grade school.

Antony De Avila
NY/NJ		1999: Plays "Jorge the Hispanic Oompa Loompa" in "Willy Wonka: The Sequal"

2001: Does modeling for trophies.

2004: Marries his sweetheart and has two short, ugly children.

2006: Flushes toilet and is never heard from again.

Giovanni Savarese
NY/NJ		2004: Becomes sanitation worker, continuing his life-long habit of picking up the garbage.

Carlos Valderamma
Miami		1999, July 7 (1:00): Decides to play defense

1999, July 7 (1:01): Breaks a sweat

1999, July 7 (3:00): Retires

2000: Becomes official spokesmen for Chia Pet.

Cobi Jones
Los Angeles		1999: Blinded by near-sighted robin who thought it saw a patch of worms.

Marco Etcheverry
Washington D.C.		2000: Complains about level of play in MLS. Threatens to quit.

2001: Complains about the declining attendance. Threatens to quit.

2002: Has a bad sexual experience. Threatens to quit.

2003: Jaime Moreno sneezes. Marco complains about the American climate and threatens to quit.

2004, May 1 (3:00): Quits.

2004, May 1 (3:01): Finds he has nothing to complain about anymore.

2004, May 1 (3:02): Re-joins DC United. Complains about the ugly new uniforms. Threatens to quit.

Alexi Lalas
New England		2001: Fired as Seven Eleven's spokemen for the "Slurpee" after hidden cameras show him enjoying a Dairy Queen "Mr. Misty".

2002: Returns to Serie A..... as a ball boy.

Tab Ramos
NY/NJ		2004: Markets the first life-size Tab Ramos action figure. Features include: Bionic plastic knee, "Saliva Soaker" mouth with extra can of Tab-spit (at no extra charge), and manually-inflatable Ego.

Sunil Gulati
MLS		1999: Reads George Orwell's "1984" and has an orgasm.

2002: Retires and coaches son's Little League team. After a slow start, signs 45 year old Roger Clemens because "he's a household name". Complains at the lack of league parity.

2035: Makes sure that everyone gets an equal portion of apple sauce at his nursing home.

D.C. United1999, January: Embarrased when Raul Diaz Arce and Mario Gori are found guilty for sexual assalt on a woman.

1998, February: Embarrased again when the woman turns out to be Jeff Agoos.

Damian
Dallas Burn		1999, August 13 (7:33): Yells obscenities at new refereeing recruit Mr. T after a bad call.

1999, August 13 (7:34): Gets the crap kicked out of him.