This is the first in what will hopefully be a series of conversations between the headmaster of the TAXI Fanzine, Michael Quigley Mejido, and everyone's favorite sibling, Patrick Jasper Walsh.


MM - Are you related to a player on the MetroStars?

PW - No, but there is a Metrostar that is related to me. Billy Walsh. He is my brother.


MM - What's the best thing about the Walsh Cup? What's the worst thing?

The best thing is that I prove that I always win it. The worst thing is that my brother's just humiliate me in the program. You have no idea how awful it feels to see your face on the cover and have the headlines making fun of me for going through puberty. Then they call me a homo all over the program. It stinks.


MM - In your opinion, what's the best way to support a soccer team?

PW - To go to the game with a bunch of people and be as loud as you can and make sure you pick a player on the other team to continually heckle.


MM - What is the curfew in the Walsh house?

PW - There is no curfew, but usually all of my brothers come home drunk at about 2:30. So I make sure I am locked in my room or Kevin will beat the living shit out of me.


MM - Which do you prefer - Playstation, Dreamcast, or N64?

PW - N64 because of Fifa 2000. I always play with the Metrostars so I can move Billy to center-forward so he can dominate.


MM - What do you think of the Empire Supporters Club and La 12, the two MetroStars supporters clubs?

PW - I like them both, but when I went to games we usually sat with La 12. I don't know why you guys don't join together with each other.


MM - As a member of the Walsh family dynasty, do you feel pressure to grow up to be tall and lanky?

PW - No, it just happens. Do you feel pressure to grow up with a tiny penis?


MM - Do you like Cherry or Diet Coke?

PW - Pepsi


MM - Why has coach Walsh and Ammann made such a profound impact with the Chatham High School soccer team?

PW - Because they are intelligent. They understand soccer when all of the other coaches are complete morons.


MM - Chatham is a local soccer hotbed. But not many people know that Chatham is also the Rutabaga Capital of New Jersey. As a resident of Chatham, which do you think is more important to Chatham's economy - Soccer or rutabagas?

PW - What the fuck are you talking about? Chatham plays soccer the way it should be played. It's amazing how a small school can beat the crap out of all the big schools. If you want to see a good soccer game, come watch the Cougars next year.


MM - Seasons change. Do people change?

PW - Yes. I am living proof. Puberty has taken me over. I will have grown two feet by the end of this year and you should see my pubic hair.


MM - Why do you think the MetroStars have failed the past four years? Will they do better this year? Why?

PW - The first two years they had too many assholes on the team. The third year they had a moron for a coach and the fourth year, the players played like a bunch of pussies. I think that this year will be a very good year.


MM - Who would you like to see playing for the MetroStars this year?

PW - I would like to see a head-hunter. A guy that when the game got physical would come in off of the bench. This guy would have to be at least 6'8" and have a full beard. He would be much like Bigfoot, only alot tougher.


MM - Do you plan on being a MetroStar in the future?

PW - The real question is, why haven't I been asked to be a Metrostar yet?


MM - What do you think of the Lothar Matthaus situation?

PW - I just ignore it. If he comes that's great.


MM - Everyone in the Walsh family seems to be clean cut and an asset to the community. But is there an evil Walsh? A bad seed? Is there a member of the Walsh family that spray paints overpasses and beats up nerds for lunch money?

PW - Kevin. He is a drunk. I don't know about nerds, but he kicks the crap out of me twice a day.


MM - What's your opinion of Bora? Charlie? Greg?

PW - Charlie was fine. Nothing was his fault and I don't know why you guys blamed him? Bora was what he appeared to be: an annoying loser that I hope that I never see again.


MM - Which songs do you like to sing?

PW - I like to sing the song "What A Fucking Stupid Question. Are You Gay"