TAXI   FANZINE Chicago Residents Smell Like Poo New study shows people from Chicago tend to smell like crap People from Chicago have a greater likelihood of smelling like feces than people in other cities, a new study shows. The research firm of Johnson and Waldstein, leading investigators in the field of fecal odor, have determined that about 9 out of 10 Chicago residents carry a distinct smell of human feces about them. "After months of exhaustive research smelling, sniffing and inhaling the body odor of the common Chicago denizen (or species chicaga oderfeces), we have come to the conclusion that 9 of of 10 Chicago residents do indeed smell like their own excrement," explains Geoff Ziegler of Johnson and Waldstein. The chicaga oderfeces' blatant stench of fecal matter, occording to Johnson and Waldstein, seems to stem from three main factors: a daily diet of various meats and sausages, an incredible 26% larger bowel capacity than average humans, and what are now being called 'bad wiping techniques'. "Proper wiping of the anus after bowel evacuation is not an important ritual in the average chicaga home," said Ziegler. "Most families consider it an insult if the area is not left 'untouched'." The habit of non-wiping, or nowipadeassahola, seems to hold many important functions for the chicaga oderfeces. Females will often use the odor created to attract suitable mates. For the men, the results of impromper wiping is a sign of their machismo. "Male elders will compare and contrast underwear stains to help deceide who is the dominent in their herd," explains Ziegler. "Many times important decisions are also reached in this manner, such as who will mate with the most fertile female, who will construct the family shelter, or who will go down and pay for the pizza." Johnson and Waldstein's research, while considered groundbreaking in most circles, has been met with a rather underwhelming response from the people of Chicago. "I haven't really noticed that anyone around here that smells like feces", said Chicago resident Joseph Liam Murtaugh. "I think those researchers are way off." (Editor's note: Although we would like to believe Joseph, it is important to remember that as a chicaga oderfeces, Mr. Murtaugh has smelled like crap his entire existance. Therefore, it would be difficult for him to distinguish the smell of a pretty red rose basking in the light of a new summer's day, from, say, the smell of feces emanating from his friend's ass.) Despite their crude appearance and primitive lifestyle, the research team at Johnson and Waldstein consider the oderfeces to be an incredibly important field of study. Many believe that unlocking their secrets will enable modern science to finally understand the origins of humanity. "We hope to continue studying the chicaga oderfeces for a long time to come," concluded Ziegler. "We've only stratched the surface of what these amazing creatures can teach us about our world and life as we know it... but hooo LORD they do stink to high heaven." TAXI Fanzine chicaga oderfeces survival kit Wafting through the air like a pestilence sent from God, the smell of the chicaga oderfeces is instantly recognizable and can be quite toxic. Visitors to the Chicago area for Game Three of the MLS semifinal series between the Chicago Fire and the NY/NJ MetroStars are advised to bring the following items in order to mazimize their enjoyment of the game: 1) Gas mask - if the smell at Soldier Field emanating from dozens upon dozens of chicaga oderfeces sitting together in a hurd becomes overpowering, it is suggested that a simple gas mask be donned in order to improve breathing. If at any time you become faint or woozy, IMMEDIATELY put on your gas mask. The smell of the oderfeces is not a joke and can be quite harmful. 2) plastic gloves - The oderfeces are, if nothing else, a tame and friendly people. Many will attempt to make contact with you by offering you a beer or one of an assortment of tubed meats. Unfortunately, many times the food or drink offered will be covered in a variety of bodily fluids and/or solids. In this case, the proper thing to do is politely turn down the offer and instead thank the oderfeces by extending a hand in friendship. In order to not become infected by the many viruses living on their palms and fingers, it is important that you remember to always bring a pair of disposable plastic gloves. Big yellow dishwashing gloves can also be used as a capable substitute. 3) Glade - Sometimes the chicaga oderfeces can become aggressive if its intake of alcohol is too great, or if it realizes its sporting team is on the verge of being eliminated from the playoffs. If this is the case, do not further provoke the oderfeces. Simply have ready any of the fine scented spray products distributed by Glade and point the nozzle at the oderfeces. Make stern but calm commands such as, "NO" and "DOWN". If the oderfeces continues to advance, engage the Glade and cover the beast with any of a number of lovely fragrances such as Hawaiian Breeze, Honeysuckle and Pear, or Melon Burst. The harsh contrast to their natural smell should be enough to drive the oderfeces away. We'd like to wish a fun trip to all those residents of NY/NJ driving to Chicago for Friday's contest. Remember, always be safety conscious!