The horrid truth behind the guy with the funny red hair Alexi Lalas. He's evil. Yes friends, Alexi Lalas, that loveable crimson-haired goofball with (marketing) campaign wishes and rock-star dreams, has finally been exposed for the scum-sucking poisonous mutant demonbeast he is. Soccer fans worldwide have long known Alexi as being somewhat larger than life, but not until recently did they know the truth: that Lalas's power is in fact based in the Dark Art of EVIL. Whoa to the man or woman who crosses his path! A fiery death awaits the pour soul who does so. And beware all ye that dare clickth yonder "Continue" link... the truth behind this matter is not pretty... If you are easily disturbed or shocked, or are pregnant, or are under 5'2", please do not continue... (Continue) | |||||
Matthaus abandons MetroStars; Charlie diddles his winky Lothar Matthaus, the 38-year-old German superstar, revealed Monday that he will stay with his club Bayern Munich until March 8th instead of joining the NY/NJ MetroStars in January as originally planned. In a statement from his Munich apartment, Matthaus promised that despite the recent change, he still intends to help lead the MetroStars to the American championship. "I will join the club a little later than expected, and come March I will be ready to help guide my new teammates to the Major Soccer League Championship. Hey have they named a freakin' coach yet? God damn." When asked about his promise that he would join the MetroStars much earlier, Matthaus vehemently defended his change of plans. "It does not matter that I agreed to come in January," said Matthaus as he fondled his 20 year old supermodel girlfriend. "Lothar does what Lothar thinks is best for Lothar, and what Lothar thinks is final", said Lothar. In a press statement released by the MetroStars, GM Charlie Stillitano applauded Matthaus's decision, describing it as 'The best possible way to start the season, and to get Lothar acquainted with his new teammates.' "Lothar is a genius," says Stillitano. "He is really a great leader and a great captain, and there is no better way for him to motivate his teammates than to be half way around the world." When reached for additional comment, Stillitano explained why he decided to side with Matthaus. "You see, I simply have no balls. I was neither born with a penis, nor a set of testes", said the MetroStars GM. Stillitano then pulled down his pants and showed that in fact, he has absolutely no genitalia of any sort. "See? Look right here. See that big patch of skin? There should be a two big saggy sacks of flesh there, right? WRONG. Absolutely no balls. I don't have any! NONE. God forgot to give me 'em I guess. He didn't give me much hair either. Ha ha ha! That was a joke", added Stillitano. Stillitano then mentioned that MetroStars season tickets go on sale shortly. For more information call 1-888-4-METROTIX. |
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Ahhhh yes... the MLS Cup. THE gala event of the Major League Soccer season. The big day. The championship game. Hell yeah you'd like to go! But you can't. Because you're a chump. But now's your chance to help a much more important person get to Foxboro. Yes folks, with a little help from YOU, Michael Mejido of the world-famous TAXI Fanzine will be going to MLS Cup '99. He just needs money! He needs YOUR money! So take some time, search your hearts and your pocketbooks, and contribute a little to the cause. SEND MICHAEL TO MLS CUP '99. He'll thank you for it, and god bless it, your dead mother will too. (Continue) | |||||
Dear Fanzine-ettes, We had a nice little humor feature all planned out for you, involving a certain crimson-bearded ex-Wizard and his trainwreck of a CD. Unfortunately, a certain record company caught wind of what was planned, and promptly began throwing around the dreaded "L" word (which, for all you non-publicity seekers, is "lawyer"). Thus, the Fanzine has been rather boring this week. My apologies. But, it will soon feature some other cool things, so get those box-cutters away from those wrists and prepare to get happy once again. In the meanwhile, however, I suggest we all scroll down and gaze at my picture. Am I not sexy beyond words? Michael Mejido mmejido@gti.net | |||||
Bora and Metros: Splitsville Mulitinovic ends storied career with NY/NJ Bora Mulitinovic, the only coach ever to take four countries to the World Cup, parted ways with his club team the NY/NJ MetroStars at 12:31 in the afternoon, October 29, 1999. Assistant coach Fernando Clavijo was named interim head coach and will be considered for the permanent job. "Well, he wanted to go, so we let him," said General Manager Charlie Stillitano at the Friday afternoon press conference. "He was like, 'yeah, I'm gone', and we were like, 'ok'. Then he was like, 'I'm still getting the $1,000,000 from the second year of my contract, right?', and we were like, 'ok'. And then I guess he wanted the lamp from the clubhouse, so we thought, 'well, we don't use it much.' So we gave it to him. It's ok, we can get a new one at Bed Bath and Beyond, I guess." Mulitonivic, who is the only coach ever to take four countries to the World Cup, remained upbeat despite carrying the burden of a miserable 7 win, 25 loss season. "I am upset that I could not win this year, for it is the job of the coach to win, and I was the coach, and coaching is something I do well, although I could not win this year. Regardless, I will keep my head up, for I will again coach, for coaching is what I like to do because I am the only coach ever to take four countries to the World Cup." Bora then added that the four countries that he has taken to the World Cup are Costa Rica, Mexico, Nigeria, and the United States. Mulitonivic, who is the only coach ever to take four countries to the World Cup, leaves behind a horror show of a team for Clavijo, who will oversee off-season training with the MetroStars starting November 1st. Clavijo becomes the sixth coach in four years for the MetroStars, a franchise that should really consider dropping a bomb on itself and starting anew. "I am happy to be the sixth coach in four years for the MetroStars," said Clavijo. "Well, let me clarify myself, I'm happy about being coach. I'm not happy about being the sixth coach in four years, because let's face it, that's the sign of a really crappy organization." Stillitano then rushed up to the podium and whispered something in Clavijo's ear, which caused Clavijo to straighten his tie and add, "What I meant to say is that I look forward to the challenge of coaching the MetroStars, and relish the opportunity to make this organization the class of MLS. Major League Soccer: This Stuff Kicks!" |
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Bora Timeline 09/21 - Hired as coach 03/20 - Loses game 04/02 - Loses game 04/10 - Loses game 05/01 - Loses game and smiles 05/15 - Loses game 06/05 - Loses game 06/10 - Loses game 06/21 - Loses game 06/26 - Gives Mike Sorber playful wedgie 07/06 - Loses game 07/13 - Loses game 08/17 - Loses game and smiles 08/25 - Loses game 08/29 - Loses game 09/02 - Loses game 09/14 - Reminds press he has coached four different teams in World Cup 09/20 - Loses game 09/26 - Loses game 10/02 - Loses game and smiles 10/28 - Cashes paycheck 10/29 - Resigns as coach
Sometimes as human beings, we must forget our petty differences and extend the hand of friendship to those who don't share our world view. Sometimes we must set aside the Meatloaf of Intolerance, and break the Bread of Peace. Sometimes we as a People must come together and join hands in the spirit of brotherhood. This was not one of those times. The TAXI Fanzine's Michael Mejido recently sent an e-mail to DC United General Manager Kevin Payne, and made a small request... (more) |
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Confused Bay Area residents ask, "We have a soccer team?" The Clash officially changed their name to the Earthquakes Wednesday afternoon, ending years of speculation that management is as uninterested in the team as fans are. "We are proud of our new nickname," said General Manager Lynne Meterparel at the press conference. When asked if the new Earthquakes will suck as much as the old Clash did, Meterparel smiled, looked around nervously, then ran off the stage. U.S. National Team midfielder Eddie Lewis then modeled the new Earthquakes uniform for the press. "This new kit is a great symbol of the Bay Community and should excite all our fans. Regardless, I'm still leaving for Europe, so I could give two shits." When asked why the new Earthquakes logo had a flaming soccer ball on it, Lewis told a gay joke, and everyone laughed heartily. Robert Kraft, owner of the San Jose and New England MLS franchises, was seen at the conference handing out small hunks of Kraft Cheese with the new Earthquakes logo stamped on them. When asked if he had any plans of changing the Revolution's nickname also, Kraft responded, "Wait, I own TWO franchises? Is that legal?", then looked around nervously and ran off the stage. |
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TAXI Fanzine's Michael Mejido mentioned in ESPN: The Magazine Michael Mejido, beloved by millions around the world, was actually mentioned by name in the latest issue of ESPN: The Magazine. Sportswriter Jeff Bradley, best known for his well-documented but brief tenure as MetroStars Director of Public Relations, mentioned Michael's "Anti-DC Hate Page" in a list of soccer sites that, as he puts it, "tells you way more (way, way more) than the "mainstream" press ever will. And thank heavens for that." "He is just an amazing creature," said Bradley, best known for his well-documented friendship with Mejido, the famed internet mogul. "If there were more Michael Mejido's, this world would be a much better place, and you can take that to the bank". Among the other sites mentioned in the article were soccerspot.com, pocm.com, bigsoccer.com, mlsnet.com, and pyrosnet.com, but as Bradley puts it, "Mejido's site kicks all their lilly asses". Bradley, best known for his well-documented role as Curly in Rodgers & Hammerstein's "Oklahoma!", wrote the following about the Anti-DC Hate Page: "Links from MetroStars home page. One man's personal vendetta, created by Michael Mejido for avowed D.C. loathers everywhere. Includes various harangues and diatribes. Eleven reasons to hate D.C. United. Sample No.8: "My dog Scruffy was run over by a car with a D.C. United bumper sticker." Michael Mejido was unavailable for comment, but was last seen at a local library looking up "harangue" in the dictionary. |
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Giants Stadium rocks as Hurtado scores double hat trick The NY/NJ MetroStars lambasted the hapless Miami Fusion 8-0 in front of a packed Giants Stadium crowd of 80,000 on Wednesday night. Ecuadorian superstar Eduardo Hurtado lit the Fusion net on fire with six impressive strikes, all taken from over 25 yards out. "I was really focused coming in to tonight's match," said Hurtado, who, despite running up and down the pitch for the entire game, seemed quite energised while entertaining questions from the press. "I really cannot take all the credit for tonight's win however. If it weren't for my teammates busting their collective hump, I probably would've only scored two or three goals." The first of Hurtado's goals came in the opening seconds of the game, when the Fusion realized they were hopelessly outmatched and made a mad dash for the locker room. Only forward Eric Wynalda and defender Arley Palacios were left to fend for themselves (it was later revealed Palacios had become confused and began believing he was a still a MetroStar). Afterwards, Eric Wynalda remembered the momentum-turning incident in vidid detail, exclaming "Yeah, I guess I was like, signing some autograph for some chick when my whole team like, picked up and ran. No skin off my back man, I get paid either way." All hope was lost for the Fusion when Hurtado added his second and third goals, each shot coming from the center circle. "I wanted to make the game interesting for the fans so I attempted to get a few goals by shooting immediately from kickoff", said Hurtado. "It was quite a challenge to say the least. I hope the fans had a good time, because I sure did!" At around the ten minute mark, it was clear that the game had gotten out of hand. It was at this point that Charlie Stillitano, our great General Manager, decided to cast his mark on the contest. To the astonishment of the crowd, Stillitano arose from his lavish box seat, casting his mighty stare out across the reaches of Giants Stadium, and with a simple flick of the wrist, motioned for the game to be ended. A sudden hush fell over the crowd, the players and fans all cowering and looking to the great leader for guidance. "My Children", spoke Stillitano, "You must understand that winning, no matter how superior you may be to your opposition, is not the ultimate achievement of the Sportsman. The true Sportsman must always play fair. This is my Word. So let it be written, so let it be done". Upon hearing the Mighty's blessed word the stadium broke out in a thunderous celebration, and much merriment and revelry was had for the rest of the day. Tickets for Game Two of the Fusion/MetroStars series will go on sale through Ticketmaster starting this Friday. MetroNotes: Captain and World Cup hero Tab Ramos was expected to start the match at right wing, but was forced to pull out due to a groin injury (sorry folks, even in Fantasy World Tabare still sucks big hairy moose balls). Editor's Note - the preceding was completely false |
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"Metro who? What day is today? I like strawberries," says a determined Bergomi Guiseppe Bergomi, long time captain of Inter Milan and the Italian National Team, cleared up months of speculation when he announced his intentions to play for the NY/NJ MetroStars in Major League Soccer. "I once saw a movie starring Humphrey Bogart and Steven Segal," said Bergomi at his press conference, adding that "back in the old days people used to play soccer with watermelons." Bergomi's agent, after subduing Giuseppe with a lollypop, expressed her pleasure with the terms under which her client was coming to his new club. "The MetroStars presented Giuseppe a deal that he simply couldn't refuse. Along with his own room overlooking a nice quiet duck pond, the MetroStars will go at great lengths to give Giuseppe the care he requires, including three square meals of oatmeal and apple sauce, daily walks in the park, therapy for his arthritis, and nightly sponge baths. GM Charlie Stillitano then fended off allogations that previous foriegn allocations have complained about bedsores, malnutrition, and sheets having a distinct fecal or urine odor. "Nothing could be further from the truth. We've had only rave reviews about our facilities. You don't see Branco or Nicola Caricola coming out and complaining, do you?" Stillitano was at a loss for words when told that Branco had recently died, and Caricola in intensive care at Columbia Presbytertian for rickets. |
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Charlie Shaves Off MustacheTeenage girls up in arms over Chaz's new look Charlie Stillitano, General Manager of the NY/NJ MetroStars and winner of the coveted "Man of the Year" award from Fat Bald Guy magazine, shocked his public by shaving off his trademark mustache. "I was just trying something new," said the jovial Stillitano at the MetroStars 1999 Awards Luncheon. "My wife told me I look like a sexy young go-getter without it". Later Stillitano admitted to shaving it off so that irate fans wouldn't recognize him and throw batteries at his fat head. |
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Sunil Gulati Named Managing Director of Kraft Soccer"Them Indians is damn hard workers", says Johnathan Kraft Former MLS Deputy Commissioner Sunil Gulati was officially named Managing Director of the New England Revolution and the San Jose Clash at a press conference at Foxboro. Gulati, who was fired from MLS for renewing Tab Ramos's contract without consulting the MetroStars, was all smiles as he addressed the press. "Who are you?!? Who are you to stand in my presence? You will all cower in my shadow and beg for your lives you pigs! Your skulls crushed! Your willpower drained! Your souls mine! Fear me you media whores!" When asked about prospective players for the Revs and Clash, Sunil's nostrils flared, his eyes went red, and he screamed at the top of his lungs that we were all "worthless and weak". |
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Foxboro security will be beefed up to protect pop star from John Harkes RCA Records and Major League Soccer announced today singing sensation Christina Aguilera will be featured as the special guest performer at MLS Cup '99, November 21, at Foxboro Stadium in Foxboro, Mass. Christina's halftime performance of a medley of songs from her platinum-selling debut album will be featured during ABC 's live broadcast of the game. Christina, whose hit single "Genie in a Bottle" spent five weeks at No. 1 on the Billboard charts this summer, will also perform the National Anthem prior to kickoff. ...Jesus, who the hell am I kidding... you're looking at her picture, aren't you? |
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Farewell Beloved Son!
Alexi Lalas retires from soccer -- MLS forwards beg him to reconsider We hardly knew ye, Alexi… …disregarding your countless commercial endorsements and overblown media coverage of course… |
