MM - Hello Mr. Sakiewicz! Let me shake your hand.
NS - I hope you've washed that hand. I don't allow commoners to touch me unless they've washed their hands.
MM - I've washed my hands.
NS - I allow you to shake my hand.
(handshake ensues)
NS - Feels good to shake the hand of the MLS Executive of the Year, doesn't it, boy.
MM - Yes Mr. Sakiewicz.
NS - I'm the MLS Executive of the Year.
MM - I know.
(long pause)
NS - Let me hear you say it.
MM - What?
NS - Say it. Say, "Nick Sakiewicz is the MLS Executive of the Year".
MM - "Nick Sakiewicz is the MLS Executive of the Year."
NS - Damn right.
MM - Could I ask you a que....
NS - Hey, are you going to ask me some questions or are we going to sit here like putzes?
MM - I'll ask a question now.
NS - Shoot.
MM - Why will you be a better GM than Charlie Stillitano?
NS - Because i'm not a putz.
MM - I see.
NS - Look at me. Do I look like a putz to you?
MM - No sir.
NS - Damn right.
MM - Mr. Sakiewicz, could you explain what your philosophy was for the Super Draft?
NS - I scouted players for months. Searching and seeking - judging potential here, making observations there. Then, when draft day came, I left it all for Zambrano because I realized I didn't know what the hell I was doing.
MM - Really.
NS - Well, I may be MLS Executive of the Year, but I basically just won it because Tampa plays in Raymond James Stadium. Most people came to Mutiny games to take an $11 tour of the place.
MM - Sorry to hear that.
NS - It doesn't matter. I'm still MLS Executive of the Year.
MM - I know.
NS - Damn right.
MM - Do you plan on winning MLS Executive of the Year again this year?
NS - Of course. All I need are the proper tools, i.e. some rich slob needs to build me another Raymond James Stadium. And I need Doug Logan to gift wrap me Carlos Valderamma. And of course I need the Village People. Expect to see at least five concerts by the Village People this year.
MM - I see.
NS - Damn right.
MM - Where do you keep your MLS Executive of the Year award?
NS - Who, you mean Rhoda?
MM - Excuse me?
NS - Yes, Rhoda. That's her name.
MM - Who's name?
NS - The award's.
MM - I see.
(long, awkward pause)
NS - I keep Rhoda in a specially-heated and cooled safe in my Passaic mansion. I specifically built an expansion wing off the side of the house for her. She's my Rhoda.
MM - I see.
NS - And sometimes if I need to see her I take Rhoda out of her safe. She says Hi to me sometimes.
MM - I see.
NS - And she really does, too.
MM - I see.
NS - And sometimes I say Hi back to Rhoda.
MM - I see.
NS - It's like a little conversation.
MM - I see.
NS - And sometimes Rhoda and I roleplay.
MM - I don't want to hear about this.
NS - And sometimes I show her all my Village People posters.
MM - Can we move on?
NS - And sometimes I stroke Rhoda. And I tell her jokes. Funny jokes. And she laughs and laughs! Oh how she DOES laugh!
MM - Alright obviously we're off in some fantasy world that I REALLY don't want to know about.
NS - What the hell did you say?
MM - Oh... Uh.. I'm sorry.
NS - Damn right you are.
MM - Do you think the REAL Nick Sakiewicz is going to be pissed after reading this interview?
NS - What the HELL do you mean, the REAL Nick Sakiewicz?!? I'M the real Nick Sakiewicz!
MM - No, actually the real Nick Sakiewicz is sitting at Metro HQ right now bossing around interns and sitting on his thumb.
NS - Don't trifle with me, boy! I'm the one and only Sakiewicz. This other putz is an imposter. I mean, I can understand someone wanting to be like me, Nick Sakiewicz. I AM the MLS Executive of the Year after all.
MM - I know.
(long, awkward pause)
NS - You think you're so smart.
MM - Excuse me?
NS - You heard me. You think you're SOOOO smart. But I'm on to you.
MM - Huh?
NS - You want to take my MLS Executive of the Year award away from me! You want to take Rhoda from me! That's what you're all about! You want to make fun of me! You can't have my award! You bastard! You big meanie!
MM - Ok, security? Can we get some security in here please?
NS - Stay away from me! You stay away with your dirty filthy hands! You can't take my Rhoda away from me! NO NO! Stop making fun of me! Stop laughing at me! You're all laughing at me! I'll show you all! I'll show you all one day! Stop it stop it stop it! No no no no mommy make the hurting stop! Make them shut up! Make them stop laughing at me! They hurted me all over my tummy and they call me mean names! They call me Nicky Nicky-Poo Poo the Polish Putz from Passaic! Waaaaaah! Hug me mommy! Don't let me go! I wuv you my mommies...
MM - Ok I think this interview is about over.
NS - Don't forget, i'm the MLS Executive of the Year.
MM - I know.
NS - Damn right.
