Doug Logan Mendoza Cuba's #1 Son

Doug Logan is an amazing human being. His life is one of the most spectacular stories to have ever been told. Don't doubt this fact, fair reader, for Mr. Logan has defied the odds... laughed in the face of all adversity. Born on the isle of Cuba, Douglas only knew oppression, pain, suffering and cigars. But he survived. From childhood, Doug knew what he wanted to do with his life: start a professional soccer league. What follows is the path Doug's life took him on the way to his desired goal.

His adventures start in the little town of Maricon, a suburb of Havana. Doug was part of a very large Cuban family, and Mr. and Mrs. Mendoza worked hard to keep them very close. At dinner, Douglas would tell his mother how much food each of his 12 brothers and sisters should have. A common scene at the Mendoza table would sound like this:

"Mama, it makes sense that Gordo should get more food, because he has more potential for eating. Flacco and Flacca should get less because they have less potential. Tito, Jose and Jorge should get more plantains because that is what they like, and Pilar, Miguel and Raoul should recieve an extra helping of black beans and rice because they enjoy it more than the rest of the family."

After 16 years of dinners designed for the highest possible potential, Douglas realized he had to move on to bigger and better things. However, as most teens do, Douglas had a difficult time finding his niche. His first job was as a musician, backing up Celia Cruz and playing the timbales. It was here that Doug first learned to roll a cigar. At least, we think they were cigars.

This descrepency in Logan's story could be a clue to finding what caused his life to take a turn for the worst. Many historians have noted that Logan's lapse into the realm of sin and debauchery might well have been caused by an addiction to something in his cigars - this of course has never been proven. In any case, Logan became a noted sadistic, radical, antisocial pervert from ages 20 to 40.

It was around this period that Logan joined with Fidel Castro's Communist party. The attraction was simple: power. Logan felt that now in his hands was the authority to control life, death and everything in between... even black beans. But as Logan was to find out, his position held no power at all. In reality, Logan's most notable job was occasionally donning a beard and military hat, filling in for Castro and making his speeches for him.

Something was wrong, and to his credit Logan eventually broadened his perspective and took note. He was a puppet... a sham. He needed to be a real leader ruling over a real organization. Although Logan acknowledged this to be true, he found himself powerless to do anything. He was trapped on the island. This wall threw Logan into a deep malaise, and he eventually was fired from his governmental duties after being found in a rum & coke-induced coma.

Now jobless, penniless and homeless, Logan suffered 5 long years in utter dismay. He became a male prostitute, and could frequently be seen in many Afro-Chipndale's and other porn theatres throughout Cuba. This period of Logan's life has unfortunately been captured on film. Unknowingly, Logan makes a cameo apperance in the classic "Godfather II". Although we cannot show you any pictures of his scene in the movie, we can you give you the portion of written script that he appears in.

This is where Logan's story gets hazy. Logan freely admits that he does not remember what happened to him from age 40 up to three years ago, when he was named Commish of Major League Soccer. What makes a man forget 20 years of his life? How did he end up in the United States? Why did Major League Soccer hire an unconcious illegal alien as their commisioner? We might never know the answers to these questions. One thing is for certain: Logan has proven that his childhood talents have certainly been put to good use.

Doug Logan's story, escpecially the conscious years, is a testament to contiuned struggle and perseverance in the face of adversity, oppression, and plantains. His accomplishments certainly place him as one of the greatest Cubans of all time...

...well, other than Jose Canseco... and Rafael Palmeiro...

...and possibly Gloria Estefan... and if you include Gloria you have to include Jon Secada...

...and I think the guy who used to bang on the cowbell in the Yankee Stadium bleachers was Cuban...

OK, so Logan is somewhere in the Top 10 Greatest Cubans.

....Wait, Andy Garcia is Cuban, right?

Michael Mejido's interview with Doug Logan
(with apologies to the cast & crew of Scarface)

To hear Mr. Logan's responses, please click the

MM:	I would like to thank Comissioner Doug Logan for being with us today. Mr. Logan, it is no secret that the MLS has been losing attendance since its inception. What has the league done to try counteract this trend?
DL:
MM:	Mr. Logan... There is no need to be rude. It was only a simple question. I only ask it of you because you are in charge of the league. Speaking about being in charge, what do you think about Alan Rothenberg's term as head of US Soccer coming to a close?
DL:
MM:	Just to let the readers know, we are doing this interview in Miami, which has recently been the site of MLS expansion. Do you think the town has potential?
DL:
MM:	Tell me, how did you gain your present position? Through hard work and sacrifice? Explain to all the readers how to achieve the success that you've achieved.
DL:
MM:	An interesting philosophy, Mr. Logan. By the way, could you introduce the man on your left that you've brought to this interview?
DL:
MM:	Hello Mr. Gulati.
SG:	Hello Michael. It's a pleasure to be here.
MM:	Mr. Gulati, is it true that the league is losing money?
SG:	Yes, Michael, it is true. Thanks to Mr. Logan here, the MLS is both losing money and fans. But really, what can you expect? Who puts soccer franchises in Kansas City and Tampa Bay? Mr. Logan, that's who. His shortcomings are becoming more and more pronounced.
DL:
SG:	Douglas, you are losing your grip. I think it is high time a new commisioner be named. I think I am just the man for the job. I must relieve you of your duties.
MM:	Mr. Logan, don't!!!
DL:
DL:
MM:	This interview has certainly taken a turn for the worst! I would like to thank Mr. Logan and the pile of flesh that used to be Mr. Gulati for joining me here today.