 | John Stafford AKA Colonel von Stauffenberg von Stauffenberg was a ruthless man, 100% committed to the Nazi ideal. He maintained order through constant fear and an unwaivering discipline of pain. Presently, this evil man is known for lighting small dogs on fire, kicking old ladies in the ass, voting Republican every four years, and supporting DC United. |
 | John Persing AKA Private Lothar Witzleben Witzleben was a Nazi mercenary, willing to stab anyone in the back for his own greedy gain. A shifty fellow, Lothar was one minute on your side, the next minute against you - his only loyalty was to the almighty dollar. Today, Lothar is a professional athlete, and ranks DC United as one of his favorite teams. |
 | Jon Ventura AKA Officer Berti Whaeften Whaeften was a weapons specialist, able to hit a bullseye from 100 yards away. His aim made him a world-renowned marksmen. Today, he writes editorials in braille for the NRA, and supports DC United like no other. |
 | David Goodwin AKA Dr. Andrew Hofacker Hofacker was the head of a Nazi hospital. A talented doctor, his skill with the scalpel was unparalleled. Today, he is a plastic surgeon specializing in breast augmentation, and never misses a DC United match. |
 | Mike Sarzo AKA Beck Smend Smend was a brilliant strategist, planning and helping win many battles for the Nazis. Today, he works as the offensive coordinator for a local high school football team, and makes as many DC United matches as his schedule allows. |
 | Tom Faulkner AKA Commander Heinz Stulpnagel Stulpnagel was a ruthless bloodthirsty leader with no regard for human life. His followers feared him as much as they respected him. Today, Stulpnagel works with autistic children and brings them on field trips to RFK to see DC United. |
 | Ray Whitney AKA Thomas Gersdorff Gersdorff was nicknamed "the Nazi playboy" by his friends, always looking for a poor underage girl to con into bed. His good looks allowed him to rise up to the Nazi inner circles. Today, Gersdorff spends his time in tanning salons, hanging with his friend John Harkes, and watching DC United on a regular basis. |
 | Brooke Tunstall AKA Sgt. Franz Doll Doll was a head of many camps during the war, and was notorious for having affairs with many of the male prisoners in exchange for bigger rations of food. Many anaylists now believe his aggressive behavior was caused in early childhood, when he was ravished by the family dog, Fritz. Today, Doll is a male prostitute specializing in 'salad tossing', and is one of the most vocal fans at RFK. |
 | Mike Lastort AKA Oster Tresckow Tresckow was an important communications expert for the Nazis, intercepting messages written in different languages and decoding them. Today, he works at the information booth at RFK, and loves to watch DC United. |
 | Terri Kellermann AKA Jurgen Hassler Hassler was a special aid to Hitler's wife, waiting on her hand and foot. Hassler was fired after being accused of stealing her shoes for his own perverted fantasies. Today, after undergoing a revolutionary sex-change operation, Hassler now lives as a woman, is a mother of 10, and has taught each to be good little DC United fans. |
 | Matt Mathai AKA Fuhrer Adolf Hitler The most dispicable beast in this cast of misfits. Hitler singlehandedly tore the world apart with his insane plans to make a master race of humans. A truely sick individual, his army was thankfully overthrown and annihilated. History tells us that Hitler took his own life. However, this monster still survives - once again leading the neo-nazi group called the Screaming Eagles. Apparently, once Mario Gori was signed by DC, the news spread all over Argentina. Hitler, hiding as an Argentine cantalope grower, heard the news and decided that the USA was his chance to once again lead the Aryan race! Be very careful around this man, friends. He hides his evil genious behind the mask of a soccer supporters club, searching for new recruits... new blood that he can pervert with the ways of Evil. |