Welcome Alexi!

Alexi, on behalf of ALL the MetroStars fans in the NY/NJ area, we here at the TAXI Fanzine would like to welcome you to the team! We all know that moving to a new area can be difficult, so we've made this a page totally dedicated to helping you in your transition to the MetroStars. So sit down and get comfortable, Alexi... we're here to help you out!

I find the best way to make someone comfortable in a new environment is to surround them with things that are familiar to them.... lesse now... what things are familiar to you?... Well, we can invite some of your relatives over...

Hmmm.. that didn't work..... I know: we'll get you hooked up to the 'net.... Here are some internet links that must be close to your heart:

Official Padova site - We've figured that you still have your friends over in Italia, so with this link you can keep up with them. Now Alexi, don't be upset... it's OK to miss your old team, but just imagine if you didn't leave Padova; you wouldn't be the world-class powerhouse defender you are today!

Rutgers University - You can go back to your carefree college days with this link. This was back when you had potential and were an asset to your team... my, how times do change!

Birmingham, MI - With this link, you can keep up with your hometown back in Michigan. You can even keep in contact with your mom via e-mail! This link may be useful the first time you get booed out of Giants Stadium.

TSI Soccer catalog - with this link, you can order your official Alexi Lalas vests and turtlenecks and your two CD's "Woodland" and "Jetlag", and in the process remind yourself that a long time ago, you were popular enough that people actually wanted to buy this stuff.

Alright, alright!... stop crying Alexi!...the links didn't help settle you in either?... well how 'bout this... why don't I just suck up to you and treat you like a demi-god? I'm sure that's what you're used to....

....hold on a sec...Enough of all this touchy-feely stuff! You're a big boy! You don't need familiar things to help you settle in.... but then again, we wouldn't want you to go into that cold, cruel metropolitan atmosphere unprepared... What you need are tools - tools to help you get accustomed to your new surroundings. So, without further ado, I'd like to present to you the...

...and just what is the Alexi Lalas NY/NJ Survival Kit?... well, it's a bunch of stuff that you just can't live without if you're going to take on the job of Tri-State Sports Soccer Hero! We here at the TAXI Fanzine started up a little collection and bought all this stuff for you - no need to thank us... it's our gift to you... These are items and pieces of information that will be vital to your survival in NY/NJ (and they come with a lovely little attaché case for storage)....

First of all, you'll need something to help you get around New York City. Here's a gun..

I imagine you'll want to keep that quaff & funky beard of yours in order, so here is a list of every hair salon in the grand state of New Jersey.

You'll probably settle into a nice little house somewhere in Jersey Suburbia. Adjusting to our wonderful air supply might be difficult... this should help:

Hmmm... it's hard to believe, but you just might get lonely in your new home! I suppose there's nothing wrong with wanting a companion, so here are some solutions:

a) Latin Female Partners - Don't be shy Mr. Lalas... we all know that this is the REAL reason you accepted that loan in Ecuador..... you dog! <wink wink>

b) NYC Gay Escorts - Now look, no one has every really seen you on a date with a female - hey, you just might be homosexual.... no big deal - it's fine with me and the rest of the fans if you play the skin flute.... we accept you for what you are. Anyways, this provided link should take care of those late-night cravings for hot male flesh!

c) Of course, there are times when sex isn't on one's mind. Maybe you just need some friendship! Here are some possible friends for you - look at all the things you have in common: They, just like you, are are all overpaid, over-hyped athletes from the metropolitan area:


Irabu	K. Johnson	Ewing	Baerga	O'Donnell	L. Johnson

Now let's concentrate on your new job: defender for the MetroStars! You're going to be taking over Branco's old spot, and though not always fair, some fans might expect you to be like Branco in some ways. Here...take some of this and put it in your mouth:

Good!... tuck it under your lower lip. Now, if you get mad at some punk that just slide tackled you, you SPIT THAT DIP-STAINED SALIVA AT THE SUCKA... no one will even know Branco left... It might also help to gain 40 pounds and act like a jerk.

These might be the most important things that we give you. During your first game, more than likely a little forward will dribble around you like you were a statue. Once the fans realize the team is wasting salary cap space on you, they're going to give you an earful... these should help.

Now playing in Giants Stadium sounds like a blast so far, right? Wrong... 'tis not all fun & games, Alexi. Due to certain problems with the Giants and the Jets, we have to play on AstroTurf for a few matches at the end of the year. Hey, don't yell at me, I had nothing to do with it! Would you sit down?!?.. Good. Now listen: You have to protect yourself, 'cause it's gonna be rough out there! Here are some knee pads for during the game, and some band-aids for those oh-so painful rug-raspberries.

Of course, you used to be an automatic choice for the U.S. National Team. However, now you've fallen out of favor with your coach. But have no fear - we here at the TAXI Fanzine have the solution! Just click here. Heck, sending Coach Sampson a bouquet will prove that you're dedicated to the team, and it will show him that you care... it might also help to make a pass at him - don't ever be afraid to tell someone how you really feel, Alexi.

How could I forget? It would be a sweet gesture to give your new teammates some gifts. It's always smart to cater to one's tastes, and being a close follower of the team, I know what a few of the present players really need and want:

Tony Meola - It's always smart to get on the good side of your goalkeeper. Now, let's take a good look at Mr. Meola: he's CHUBBY. My advice is to give him alot of food.

Tab Ramos - You're tall......Tab is short. 'nuff said...

Rhett Harty - No man wants to go bald, so this gift might help...

....by the way, just in case that first helping isn't enough, here is some more food to give Tony:

Charlie Stillitano - He desires only one thing:

....and he might also appreciate Harty's gift...

....and here's some more food for Tony...

Coach Mondelo - considering the staying power of our last three coaches, this might be the sensible and practical gift:

Kerry Zavagnin - Not a bad guy... just not a good soccer player! I find a book makes a good gift...

....hey, don't be stingy with the food for Tony!... he's hungry!

...no need to thank us, Alexi ....it's the least we could do for you... our thanks will be the smiles that you give your new compatriots with these gifts!

Well, Alexi... there's only so much we here at the TAXI Fanzine can do. You're a MetroStar, and that means you're a... you're a grown man. <sniff> It's like a mother letting go of her only son, lil 'lexi, it really and truely is. You'll meet some opposition, but if you apply yourself, and you work hard, you might just become a household name in northern New Jersey and parts of Connecticut... Imagine that, Alexi... imagine that..... We here at the Fanzine LOVE you and want you to succeed - we're behind you all the way, and support you in everything you do! ....and don't forget, if one day it all turns sour, you can walk across the parking lot and play for the Red Dogs....